Category: Joke Board
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the
hen house out the back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected
cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church
the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them."
Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said "That wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the altar boys stood up.
*
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex". Now, Sex
has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk
I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then
I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said,
"You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said
that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps
me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran
away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I
told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should
have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on
television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I
said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then
I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came
over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said,
"I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday.....
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another,he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news
is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes yourtesticles
to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't
concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the
knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,"That's what I need, a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed
him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joewalked comfortably around the shop
and the salesman asked,"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. .. 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see...
size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't weara size 34 It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her
questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a
tree".
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do
it properly". She took off her clothes,laid down on the ground and spread her legs
wide. "Here," she said,"You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in
the crotch. Jane rolled around inagony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the
hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan said... "Just checking for squirrels"